I like me some Rick Bumgardner. I DO! When not stealing other people’s clothes* he’s a nice guy, generally a good dude, all around.
One thing though that a lot of you might not know about Rick is that he is a stickler for details. Remember those mattress tags, the ones back in the 80s before they became comedic fodder? When they said “Do not remove under penalty of law” with no mention of the joke-killing,” except by customer” line added later? Remember those?
Yeah, Rick was the kind of dude that took that shit seriously.
Remember when cans of soda said, “serving size two”? Rick, I’m positive, drank half and then saved the other half, because the instructions TOLD HIM TOO!
He’s a lot like my wife with his blind adherence to the instructions. That’s probably why I hate love him so much. Rick, if you’re unaware, is an award-winning (many time over) photographer and videographer. Very talented with either a still camera or a video camera. But he’s also the kind of dude that reads the instructions, FULLY, before opening a box of Capt’n Crunch.
That’s why I’ve decided to drive him insane.
Several weeks ago, Rick parked his brand new baby in my garage. A 2010 BMW. And OH boy, ain’t she pretty. I know she’s pretty because every time I go into the garage to smoke or to get a beer (or BOTH!) I get to look at it. It’s so blue it’s like an ocean. That hood just so blank, open, blank. Blank like a … like a what? Like a blank slate? Like a blank easel? Like a blank frame? Like a blank … I got it, like a blank canvas!
- In fact here it is. Even knowing that the car is INSIDE a garage Rick put the windshield wipers up. Is it going to SNOW in my garage Rick? Dork.
I don’t know about you but when I see a blank canvas my mind immediately thinks of that age-old kid game, army guys vs. dinosaurs. You know you find a suitable pile of dirt in the back yard. You had a handful of green-plastic army guys (complete with bazooka dude, grenade man and pistol guy) and another handful of candy-colored dinosaurs and oh man they were gonna fight!
- So, because I know you’re all excited about this, I give you Army guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.
- Here are our heroes preparing for the dinosaur attack that will be coming any minute.
- But the dinosaurs look pretty scary … RAWR!!!!!!
- I’ve tried to be as historically accurate as possible with this kind of fight, notice the dinosaurs were lined up (mostly) by threes? I like to pay attention to the details. The stupid triceratops won’t stay in formation, as usual.
- Dinosaurs have no idea about tactics or bullets or even what mortars are, so they just charge … Landmine sweeper dude kind of feeling like a retard I bet.
- Good thing the army guys have guns and stuff … stupid dinosaurs … wait thought …. What’s that?
- Look out forward man! Noooooooooooo ….
- Officer guy saves the day, but not before forward man had his face eaten off by a T-Rex .
- Prone man and machine gun dude are doing a great job and flame thrower guy lines up to kill the charging blue dinosaurs with HOT JUICE!
- Army guys win, Good job army guys. Dinosaur BBQ and extra beer rations for all!
For the record I am taking suggestions for future performances on Rick’s BMW hood. Maybe some historical battles from the civil war (the south are the dinosaurs!) maybe an epic replaying of the battle of Thermopolis? Maybe a scene from, “the Lord of the Rings” you know the one with the swords and the orcs?
Just so I don’t seem like a sexist pig, well like ANYMORE of a sexist pig, I’d even be willing to reenact a few chick flicks. Got a favorite Thelma and Louise scene (car chase, amiright!?!) or maybe a great moment from driving Ms. Daisy? Let me know ladies, the blank canvas of Ricks hood knows NO boundaries!
Leave a comment and I’ll reenact it for you … cause it’s just that much fun.
Here’s Rick stealing stuff that IS NOT HIS!
* While on a buisness trip with Rick, on the way to a pizza/beer place, I stopped and bought a shirt at some store. At the restaurant I went outside to smoke and when I came back Rick was WEARING my new shirt while EATING pizza. I knew then this had to be done.
