Category Archives: Army Guys vs. Dinosaurs

Army Guys vs. dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood requests … old movies, crappy movies, and lasers!


I’ve got to be honest, you people piss me off.

I thought for sure you would all pick historical battles, really cool movie battles or maybe even something with a nautical theme … the background was blue after all.

But no.

You picked foody stuff, a really bad 70s movie and movies that require I learn something about Photoshop. Thus, Mike Lavigne, Anna Whateveryourlastnameis and Bob Close I give you your wishes:

We're fat. Evidence? Sixteen year olds, when I was a sixteen year old I masturbated to food sex. Yeah we're fat. Also there was no internet back then damnit!

Foody stuff:

Anne wanted a steamy scene from the 80′s flick, “Nine and a half weeks”, which I watched on HBO when I was like 16 and TOTALLY and had a reaction you would expect from a 16 year old male, basically that Michelle Pfeiffer was really, really pretty. Had you known me, even at the age of 20, Anne I would have assured you that Michelle Pfeiffer was A: a total babe, B: she was totally hot and that C: I really thought she was good looking.

I’m not kidding, I had some sort of post card that had an image from the flick in my wall locker at the Defense Information School. Michelle Pfeiffer was serious Anne.

Anne I like you, honestly I do. But there is only so much you can do with plastic dinosaurs and Army dudes …. there is even less you can do when the idea is a sex scene. Also its Army guys VERSES Dinosaurs not Army guys love dinosaurs Anne … geeze.

The T-Rex is totally eating Army Guys face off, but in a good way ...

Look I tried. I didn’t try very hard mind you but I tried. Take comfort in the fact that yes there is a real strawberry, leaking acidic juice, on Rick’s BMW hood.

this was totally not a gay thing ... male Army Guy and a chick dinosaur

Bad movies with uncomfortable scenes …
Mike, Mike, Mike. You picked with a rape sex, heavy on the rape in this case.

Its people like you that encourage the Westboro Baptist church and Fred Phelps.

For those not familiar with the 1970′s classic “deliverance” it’s a movie about men in the rugged wilderness down south getting butt raped by homosexual redneck hillbillies. The seventies were weird I tell you, just weird. Also the star of the movie, Burt Reynolds, had a really cool bow and arrow. If you’ve ever heard someone use the phrase, “squeal like a pig” it’s from this movie.

Macho 1970 men, with butt secks

I used an elaborate five camera shooting technique here that I think helps show … screw it I used a point and shoot. I really got lazy here but in my defense, how graphic did you people want an Army Guy having sex with a dinosaur to be?

I know, very, very graphic.

Tough pervs … this is what I came up with. That scene from the 1972 film deliverance.
It’s a very accurate photo of the actual scene in the movie, for very small quantities of very accurate.

Somehow the look on the dinosaur's face is interesting

Lasers!:
Finally the tough one, Bob’s request for the stay puffed marshmallow man from Ghost Busters. Anyway as much as I’d like to get flaming-melted marshmallow all over Rick’s BMW hood, creating an actual Stay Puft man from actual marshmallows is REALLY friggen hard. I spent at least $1.69 and this is the result.

I made this for my art class and got an F ...

The people that made this had a budget for special effects that exceeded $1.69

But, thanks to the magic of Photoshop you can insert what is likely copyrighted material and make ‘friggen laser beams’ and stuff. I spent like five minutes using the magic wand tool (hehehe that always cracks me up) trying to delete the back ground around Mr. Stay Puft before I got bored and started making, “lasers” which was TOTALLY cool.
Thus, “Army Men versus the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on the hood of Rick’s BMW — with lasers”

Don't cross lines ... which is a quote from Ghostbusters, not gay porn oddly.

Still taking suggestions by the way for more ideas of Army Guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW … so please leave a comment and I’ll work it in …

* To all my gay friends, I’m sorry. I fully understand that the scene in the movie wasn’t “gay sex”, or gay, or even any sort of representation of two same sex couples in a loving relationship. It’s a dumb joke and shouldn’t be taken for anything else. Same sex rape, actually any rape, which occurs in prison (or anywhere), I fully understand, is about power and nothing else. I’m sorry but damnit it made me laugh.

Army Guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.


I like me some Rick Bumgardner.  I DO!   When not stealing other people’s clothes* he’s a nice guy, generally a good dude, all around.

One thing though that a lot of you might not know about Rick is that he is a stickler for details.  Remember those mattress tags, the ones back in the 80s before they became comedic fodder?  When they said “Do not remove under penalty of law” with no mention of the joke-killing,” except by customer” line added later?  Remember those?

Yeah, Rick was the kind of dude that took that shit seriously.

Remember when cans of soda said, “serving size two”?   Rick, I’m positive, drank half and then saved the other half, because the instructions TOLD HIM TOO!

He’s a lot like my wife with his blind adherence to the instructions.   That’s probably why I hate love him so much.   Rick, if you’re unaware, is an award-winning (many time over) photographer and videographer.   Very talented with either a still camera or a video camera.   But he’s also the kind of dude that reads the instructions, FULLY, before opening a box of Capt’n Crunch.

That’s why I’ve decided to drive him insane.

Several weeks ago, Rick parked his brand new baby in my garage.  A 2010 BMW.  And OH boy, ain’t she pretty.  I know she’s pretty because every time I go into the garage to smoke or to get a beer (or BOTH!) I get to look at it.   It’s so blue it’s like an ocean.  That hood just so blank, open, blank.  Blank like a … like a what?  Like a blank slate?   Like a blank easel?   Like a blank frame?  Like a blank … I got it, like a blank canvas!

In fact here it is. Even knowing that the car is INSIDE a garage Rick put the windshield wipers up. Is it going to SNOW in my garage Rick? Dork.

I don’t know about you but when I see a blank canvas my mind immediately thinks of that age-old kid game, army guys vs. dinosaurs.   You know you find a suitable pile of dirt in the back yard.  You had a handful of green-plastic army guys (complete with bazooka dude, grenade man and pistol guy) and another handful of candy-colored dinosaurs and oh man they were gonna fight!

So, because I know you’re all excited about this, I give you Army guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.
Here are our heroes preparing for the dinosaur attack that will be coming any minute.
But the dinosaurs look pretty scary … RAWR!!!!!!
I’ve tried to be as historically accurate as possible with this kind of fight, notice the dinosaurs were lined up (mostly) by threes? I like to pay attention to the details. The stupid triceratops won’t stay in formation, as usual.
Dinosaurs have no idea about tactics or bullets or even what mortars are, so they just charge … Landmine sweeper dude kind of feeling like a retard I bet.
Good thing the army guys have guns and stuff … stupid dinosaurs … wait thought …. What’s that?
Look out forward man! Noooooooooooo ….
Officer guy saves the day, but not before forward man had his face eaten off by a T-Rex .
Prone man and machine gun dude are doing a great job and flame thrower guy lines up to kill the charging blue dinosaurs with HOT JUICE!
Army guys win, Good job army guys. Dinosaur BBQ and extra beer rations for all!

For the record I am taking suggestions for future performances on Rick’s BMW hood.   Maybe some historical battles from the civil war (the south are the dinosaurs!) maybe an epic replaying of the battle of Thermopolis?  Maybe a scene from, “the Lord of the Rings” you know the one with the swords and the orcs?

Just so I don’t seem like a sexist pig, well like ANYMORE of a sexist pig, I’d even be willing to reenact a few chick flicks.   Got a favorite Thelma and Louise scene (car chase, amiright!?!) or maybe a great moment from driving Ms. Daisy?  Let me know ladies, the blank canvas of Ricks hood knows NO boundaries!

Leave a comment and I’ll reenact it for you … cause it’s just that much fun.

Here’s Rick stealing stuff that IS NOT HIS!

* While on a buisness trip with Rick, on the way to a pizza/beer place, I stopped and bought a shirt at some store.   At the restaurant I went outside to smoke and when I came back Rick was WEARING my new shirt while EATING pizza.  I knew then this had to be done.