I’m a woman of a certain age. I’m single. I have no children. I contemplated naming my dog Malbec (“Gin and Tonic” was just a cry for help, besides being a mouthful). I have a weekly date with Downton Abbey.
In short, I’m a demographic stereotype.
With that in mind, and Valentine’s Day and a blank sheet of “paper” before of me, you’d be safe in assuming that I’ll rail against the coming holiday. And of course, if I were to rant, it’d be because V-Day is commercialized, heteronormative, patriarchal, and sappy. My rant would have nothing to do with that fact that on Feb. 14 I’ll be eating a Lean Cuisine of a TV tray while I catch up on celebrity couplings.
Nothing at all.
I love Valentine’s Day. In fact, it inspires me to look back at my (mostly online) dating history in the last few years, which I’ve conveniently distilled into some broad categories.
-Uterus Shoppers: I like to know that a man values me. And if it’s because of an organ I have, all the better. I get sick of men asking about my beliefs, and my background, and what I do with my time off. Blah blah blah. Uterus Shoppers cut to the chase. Their emails are succinct. It may be, “I want a woman with a healthy body. Are you ready to start a family?” Or, a little more conversational, “I love children, and I want more. How are you?” I find this charming. I’m in no way creeped out by somebody I don’t know suggesting we are intimate, then participate in one of life’s most profound experiences which later results in a person!
- Bait ‘n Switchers: These fellas, they keep me on my toes! They’re very spontaneous. One minute they’re looking for a serious relationship, and the next, they don’t have room for anything serious in their life. My favorite part, though, is they’re always open to hanging out casually with no expectations. One might expect this devil-may-care attitude from men in their 20s, but when it comes from men in their 40s, it’s downright adorable.
-The Jokesters: I love these guys. From the men who make “sexually knowledgeable” a requirement on eHarmony, to quirky and lovable introduction emails – “Hi there! Here is a good topic, that seems able to get just about everybody to fly off their hinge and take a giant leap away from their good senses: Abortion. Not only is it a fun word to say like ‘guacamole’ or ‘incandescent’, but it’s a topic everybody loves to weigh in on. So, what say you?” – to the man wearing as his main profile picture a T-shirt that reads, “I am the man from Nantucket,” to the guy who picked me up for our first date wearing a Fender T-shirt that read, “Chicks Dig My Lick.” The absolute, hands-down winner in The Jokester category goes to the guy below, with his witty profile headline. At the end of his profile he challenges women to get in touch with him to find out the punch line. As I’ve hung out with some sick, ribald and juvenile folk in my time, I knew the punch line- it’s about incest.
Other categories include The Sex Kittens: Yes, men, please post and/or send photos of you lounging about seductively!; the Hannibal Lecters: Any hint you might kill me really gets my blood racing; the Partners In Crime: All guys want this, apparently; and the Anti-Marketers: “I want somebody to sit around and watch TV with.” Of course, the categories are not exhaustive but I keep on keepin’ on because why settle down when I get all this?
Did you enjoy this? You might also enjoy last years Valentine’s Day rant by another guest blogger: Why Valentine’s Day Sucks. Written by a person who hates Valentine’s Day.